


Through The Dark

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Friendship, Happy Ending, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Widower Barba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:54:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23814934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: Rafael stepped up to the casket, still raised high above the earth. He knew that the cemetery workers hovered somewhere nearby, impatient, but polite, waiting to lower his husband into the ground as soon as Rafael left.The thought had Rafael’s chest tightening. Ezra had always been claustrophobic, and Rafael had the brief, ridiculous worry that being buried would give him a panic attack.But no, that wouldn’t be a problem, not anymore. Finally, his breath hitching, he stepped forward, placing his hand on the shiny black of the casket. “I love you.” His voice broke and he took a moment to swallow back the lump in his throat, his eyes burning.He wouldn’t let Carisi see him cry.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 47
Kudos: 154





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! I got surprisingly busy given that I'm stuck at home. This fic has actually been in the works for quite awhile now and I'm happy to finally have enough of it done to start posting. 
> 
> It starts off kind of sad, but then gets happier as we go. The opposite of my usual fics. Haha. 
> 
> Thanks as always to PBB for everything. Hope you enjoy!

In a cruel twist of irony, despite the chill in the March air, the sun beat down from a cloudless sky. 

In books and movies on these types of days the weather reflected the melancholy that everyone in attendance was feeling. Clouds obscured the sun, wind whipped, and rain poured down so that the mourners could shield themselves dramatically with black umbrellas. 

But not today. Today the sun shined bright, reflecting off of the sleek black finish of the casket. The one that his husband had picked out himself when he’d been making plans for a day such as this. 

_“Just in case, Rafi,”_ _he’d said from his seat at their kitchen table, papers spread over its surface. “You never know.”_

As a lawyer Rafael knew that it was important for one to have their affairs in order, but as a husband he hadn’t wanted to think about it. 

Now, he supposed, he should be grateful. Rafael hadn’t had to make a single decision. It had all been laid out in black and white, right down to what music should be played. 

Only it would have been nice to have had the distraction of logistics these last few days. Instead he’d been left with nothing. Just their quiet apartment and a cavernous hole in his chest that he was pretty sure nothing could ever fill again. Under normal circumstances he didn’t do so well when left alone with his thoughts, but this—this was a darkness he’d never known.

“Rafa.” 

The hand on his shoulder made him jump, and he turned to find Liv. Her eyes were red from crying through the service, but they were dry now. 

“I’m sorry.” The word was laden with emotion and he knew that she didn’t just mean for startling him. 

Rafael had heard that phrase so much lately, especially today, and he knew that everyone who’d said it had meant it, but all of their sorrow combined couldn’t match his own. 

“I have my car, but Carisi is going to ride with you back into the city.” 

He looked down the small hill toward the road that wound its way through the cemetery. Carisi was there, in his black suit and tie, leaning against the black Lincoln that the funeral home had provided. 

“I’ll be fine, really.” 

His mother had gone ahead to his apartment where he was sure that a crowd of mourners had already accumulated and, as much as he loved her and had leaned on her during these last few days, he’d been grateful for the few moments of solitude. 

“I really don’t think you should be alone,” Olivia insisted. 

He knew it was pointless to argue with her and he honestly didn’t have the energy. For a moment he thought about asking if she’d swap places and make Carisi drive her car back to the city so that she could ride with him, but then he realized that she’d want to talk about feelings and coping and all sorts of things that he didn’t want to talk about. Now or ever. 

At least with Carisi he could shut him up with a single look. 

“Fine, give me a minute.” 

She nodded, squeezing his shoulder one more time before making her way down the grassy hill toward her car. 

Rafael stepped up to the casket, still raised high above the earth. He knew that the cemetery workers hovered somewhere nearby, impatient, but polite, waiting to lower his husband into the ground as soon as Rafael left. 

The thought had Rafael’s chest tightening. Ezra had always been claustrophobic, and Rafael had the brief, ridiculous worry that being buried would give him a panic attack. 

But no, that wouldn’t be a problem, not anymore. Finally, his breath hitching, he stepped forward, placing his hand on the shiny black of the casket. “I love you.” His voice broke and he took a moment to swallow back the lump in his throat, his eyes burning. 

He wouldn’t let Carisi see him cry. 

* * *

In the back of the car, Carisi was silent and Rafael was grateful for it. Knowing when to keep his mouth shut seemed to normally be a problem for the detective, but at least he had the ability to read the current situation. 

Rafael kept his eyes out the window, watching the city come into view as the driver navigated them back toward Manhattan from the Brooklyn cemetery. He thought about the literal millions of people who currently went about their lives, running to catch the subway, suffering through boring meetings, or sitting in coffee shops, laptops open and oblivious to what was going on around them. 

Four days ago he’d been one of them, going about his life, not knowing that it would change in an instant. 

_ You’re late. _

That had been the last text he’d sent Ezra. They were supposed to meet for dinner at Lazlo’s, the restaurant that sat almost exactly between their two offices, where they’d met dozens of times before. So much so that Leslie, their regular waitress, had already sat Ezra’s gin and tonic at the place across from Rafael. The ice was nearly melted when Rafael’s phone rang, a number he didn’t recognize, but one that would destroy his entire world. 

He didn’t remember running from the restaurant or the trip to the hospital, but he did remember standing in front of the doctor, listening to him speak to Rafael in a tone that he’d heard Olivia use too many times to count when speaking with victims and their families. 

That tone wasn’t supposed to be for him. Not ever. 

By the time the doctor was finished explaining that they’d done all they could, that Ezra’s injuries were too severe to fix, Olivia was by his side. The NYPD may be the largest department in the country, but it might as well have been a high school. News traveled fast. Especially bad news. 

A cab made an illegal turn, she’d explained when Rafael realized he didn’t even know what had happened, hitting Ezra on his bike. 

That fucking bike. 

The anger felt good, better than the vast emptiness he’d been feeling up to this point. Ezra loved that stupid thing, treating it like a prized possession, taking it to the shop on Amsterdam for regular maintenance. 

He rode it everywhere. To work, to the gym—which made little sense to Rafael, wasn’t the bike ride enough? — to dinner with Rafael... 

They’d had a huge argument when Ezra had sheepishly admitted to Rafael how much he’d paid for it, and almost as big of one when Ezra installed a wall rack just inside their front door to hang the bike on. 

Ezra’s attempt to get Rafael to feel less contemptuous toward the thing had been to try to get Rafael into cycling as well. He’d countered that only people with a death wish biked around New York City. 

It was the only time in his entire life that he wished he wasn’t right. 

Back in the car, as he once again swallowed back tears, he shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the thoughts. He’d spent the last few days going through the same loop over and over, always wondering if he’d somehow manifested this. He knew it was ridiculous, but still...what if. 

He felt Carisi’s eyes on him and realized the detective was watching his hands where he continuously spun his wedding ring around his finger. He dropped his hands to his lap. 

“You know, Barba,” Carisi cleared his throat. “I never really got a chance to—”

“Don’t,” Rafael commanded, turning his eyes back to the window. “Please just don’t.” 

Sonny just nodded and sat back against the plush leather, turning his gaze toward his own window. It was hard not to stare at Barba, to scrutinize his every move, to worry about how he was handling all of this. 

They weren’t close, he and Barba, but the detective knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t one to wear his emotions on his sleeve, and now was no different. But even the most skilled of Catholics could only bottle up so much, and Sonny was pretty sure that Barba was lapsed. 

It was probably only a matter of time before it all came spilling out and Sonny only hoped that Barba would have someone there for him when it happened. 

Barba shifted in his seat and Sonny glanced over at him, but the counselor still faced his window. He was seemingly focused on the traffic that crawled around them, but Sonny could tell by the far off look in his eyes that his thoughts were elsewhere. It didn’t take a detective to figure out where they were. 

Sonny had only met Ezra a couple of times, once at a police benefit, another a chance run-in at the DA’s office. He didn’t know much about him. Barba tended to keep his personal life just that, but Sonny did know from small talk at the benefit that Ezra was a tech guy who worked at a startup. 

It had come as a surprise. Barba didn’t really seem the type to mix in well with the jeans and hoodie, frisbee golf type, but he’d chalked it up to opposites attract and all that. 

What he had been able to tell, given years of honing his instincts and learning to judge people fairly accurately upon first meeting, was that Ezra was a good guy, and he and Barba had clearly cared for one another. 

Sonny couldn’t imagine loving someone like that, let alone losing them. His last relationship had been only seven months, the record holder so far, and while the breakup had been upsetting, a couple beers with Rollins and some playtime with her girls had gotten him over it pretty quickly. 

But nothing in his life could compare to the loss that Barba was experiencing.

It was in his nature to try to help, even when it wasn’t wanted—which was most of the time—but Sonny knew there was nothing he could do to make Barba feel better. 

The only thing he could do was give Barba what he’d asked of him, and that was silence, so against his instincts he remained quiet for the rest of the ride. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter late last year, but grieving Barba oddly ended up being all of us in quarantine...

_ Two Weeks Later _

The sound of his buzzer echoed throughout the apartment over and over with shorter intervals in between. The person on the other end was relentless. Finally, irritated, Rafael pulled himself from his sofa and made his way over to the panel by the door, pressing the talk button. 

“What?”

“Uh, hey Barba, it’s Carisi. The Lieutenant asked me to—“

“Go away.” Rafael released the button, but immediately the buzzer sounded again. He smacked at the button. “Dammit, Carisi.” 

“Look, I’m not going anywhere. You might as well let me up.” 

Deciding that a couple minutes of dealing with Carisi was better than an entire night of listening to his buzzer, Rafael hit the button to disengage the lock on the front door. 

He unlocked the deadbolt on his apartment door and left it open a crack so that he could resume his place on the sofa. 

It took only a few minutes for Carisi to ride the elevator up to the fifth floor. “Uh, Barba?” He tapped lightly on the open door, hand on his weapon even though he’d just spoken to Rafael. 

“For God’s sake, Carisi, you don’t need your gun,” Barba griped from the couch. 

As he stepped into the apartment, he dropped his hand. “Oh wow, uh, I mean…”

Rafael looked around, taking in the apartment from Carisi’s eyes. All the curtains were pulled tight across the windows, take out containers and dirty glasses littered the coffee table, and blankets and pillows took up most of the sofa. He supposed it had gotten a little out of control, but he didn’t have the energy to care. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“The lieutenant said you didn’t answer her text. Noah had dance class so she sent me to check on you.”

Rafael sighed. Each day since the funeral Olivia had sent him a text asking if he was okay. He learned early on that if he didn’t respond she would show up at his door, so he’d made sure to always answer. Except for today. He must have forgotten. 

“Well, as you can see. I’m fine. You can go now.” 

Instead of moving toward the door, Carisi stepped further into the apartment. “Are you sure you don’t need anything? I can run out to the store or—“

“I told you I’m fine.” 

“C’mon. I’m already here. Let me help. I’m a great cook.” He eyed the mostly empty bottle of scotch on the coffee table next to the dirty glasses. “I’ll at least get you some water.” 

Rafael simply huffed and turned his attention back to the TV. Some cop drama was playing, an unrealistically handsome cop flirting with an equally gorgeous forensic specialist as they examined a crime scene. He had no idea the name of the characters or the show for that matter. He didn’t even remember turning on the tv to be honest, but it helped him pretend that Carisi wasn’t there so he focused in on it. 

The credits rolled on the show before he realized Carisi had been in the kitchen for a long time, much longer than it took to get a glass of water. Sighing with the effort, again he stood. 

He found Carisi at the sink, sleeves rolled up, his jacket and holster draped over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. 

“Are you doing my dishes?” 

“Oh,” Carisi jumped and turned around, suds dripping from his hands. “Uh, yeah, sorry. I, um, I had to wash a glass to get you some water and then I figured if I was doing one, I’d just do them all.”

For the first time since Carisi had walked into his apartment, Rafael felt a creeping sense of shame. “Well, you can stop.” 

“Barba, it’s really no probl—”

“Do you think you're the first person to show up here? To try to shove their way into my life and ‘help’? Well, you’re not. I haven’t even let my own mother baby me, so I’m not going to let some random person I work with come in and do it.” 

If the insult affected Carisi it didn’t show. “Sometimes it helps if it’s not family.” 

“What?” 

“Well, coming from a big family I know it can get annoying when someone who knows everything about you is all up in your business.” He continued to wash dishes as he spoke. “Sometimes it’s better to have someone around who isn’t as invested.” 

“It sure seems like you’re invested.” Rafael gestured toward the sink full of suds. 

He shrugged. “I see dirty dishes, I wash ‘em. Just a habit, no more than that.” 

“Restaurants must really love you,” Barba deadpanned, but it seemed as if for the time being he wasn’t going to throw Sonny out. 

Taking advantage of the moment, Sonny turned to face Rafael, wiping his hands on a dish towel. “Now, Counselor, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but—”

“Everyone loves a sentence that starts that way.” 

“—when was the last time you took a shower?” 

Rafael looked down at his sweatpants and t-shirt. He couldn’t remember when he’d put them on, which meant it had probably been at least a couple of days. 

Changing clothes, showering, all meant going into their bedroom, their bathroom. Seeing Ezra’s book on their nightstand, his razor and toiletries all lined up perfectly on the counter, his shampoo in the shower. It was too much, so he’d avoided it. Even if it meant sitting around in dirty clothes, smelling as bad as he felt. 

Somehow Carisi, and his annoying ass ability to read people, sensed the problem. “If you want, I can grab you some clothes or—”

“No!” The only thing worse than Rafael having to deal with the presence of Ezra’s things was the thought of someone else rifling through them. “I’ll do it.” 

He did his best to focus on his goals, clean underwear, fresh shirt and sweatpants, going straight to his own drawers, pretending they were the only things in the room. In the shower it was the same thing. Hot water, wash hair, lather body, it was just a shower, nothing more. 

It wasn’t where his husband had surprised him after coming home early from a business trip, or where Ezra had been overconfident in his ability to fix a leak, soaking their bathroom in process. No, it was a means to an end, a way to get Carisi to shut up and get the hell out of his apartment. 

Once he was finished, he did have to admit that he felt a bit better, at least physically. Not that he’d tell Carisi that. 

The detective was closing his apartment door when Rafael finally stepped out of the bathroom, hair mostly towel dried, but falling every which way. The last time he’d had a haircut was also a mystery. 

“Thought maybe you’d like something for dinner other than scotch,” Carisi said, holding up a plastic bag. “Just some soup. I didn’t think you’d want anything heavy.” 

Rafael didn’t respond, instead looking around his living room that was now virtually spotless. All the dirty glasses were gone, all the empty containers presumably trashed, the blankets folded with the pillows stacked neatly on top. 

Carisi looked on edge, like he was waiting on Rafael to blow up at him, and looked shocked when instead he received a quiet, “Thanks.” 

“Not a problem,” he sat the bag on the coffee table. 

“I can’t sleep in our bed,” Rafael said, seemingly out of nowhere, gesturing to the blankets. 

“That’s okay.” 

“It’s been two weeks,” Rafael said, like he should be over his loss by now. 

“But how long were you guys together?”

“Six years.”

“Well, there you go. You spent six years with someone, loving him, sleeping next to him. How are you supposed to get over that in two weeks?” 

Rafael didn’t say anything, just nodded slightly like what Sonny said made sense. 

“Go ahead and eat,” Sonny gestured toward the bag on the coffee table. “I’ll get out of your hair.” 

Rafael scoffed at the irony, but sat down to dig into the bag as Sonny dipped into the kitchen to grab his jacket and holster. His stomach growled as soon as the smell of minestrone—God, sometimes Carisi was such a cliche—hit his nostrils. He supposed it had been awhile since he’d eaten anything. 

“Well,” Sonny said, walking back into the room, finishing strapping his holster to his belt and slipping his suit jacket back on. “I guess I’ll see you back at work.”

Rafael wasn’t entirely sure when that would be. He’d banked a lot of vacation days in the years he’d spent working himself to the bone, and he intended on taking advantage of all or most of it. Even the thought of having to put on a suit and go back into the office made his stomach turn. He put the soup down. 

But for Carisi he offered up a simple, “Sure.” 

Sonny gave him a final once over, an assessment of his work. He must have considered Rafael a job well done because he gave a final nod. “Night, Counselor.” 


	3. Chapter 3

_ One Month Later _

Part of the reason Rafael had put off returning to work for so long was knowing that he’d get the looks of pity any time he entered a room, the murmured platitudes about his loss, people talking softly and carefully like at any moment he would shatter into a million pieces. 

For all of his complaining he liked his colleagues at the DA’s office, for the most part, and they’d all been wonderfully kind, coming to the memorial and sending flowers and cards, but if one more of them gave him that look, the one that was the facial equivalent of ‘aw, you poor thing,’ he thought he’d deck them. 

And it had been nearly 40 years since he’d hit someone. The last time being when he’d run his mouth to the Ramirez brothers after school and Eddie hadn’t been able to take them both on by himself. But that was a streak he was willing to break if necessary.

There were two exceptions: Carmen and, oddly enough, Carisi. 

Carmen, blessed, wonderful Carmen. She’d offered her sympathies, told him to let her know if there was anything she could do, but after a few weeks of letting him have his space she went back to business as usual. She’d email him updates about the cases he’d handed over when he’d gone on leave, text him the latest gossip making the rounds through One Hogan Place, and even had coffee sent to him occasionally. He was grateful for her in ways he could never express. 

And then there was Carisi. The detective had made it a routine to stop by a couple of times a week to check in on Rafael. At first it was a lot of the same, he helped with the dishes and forced Rafael to eat and shower, but even once Rafael had begun to do those things on his own, Carisi still showed up. 

He never mentioned Ezra, never outright asked Rafael if he was okay, he just chattered away, about anything and everything, never even caring if Rafael contributed to the conversation at all. It was nice actually, Rafael could listen, focus on something that wasn’t his own heartache, and Carisi expected nothing in return. 

What he’d said that first night was true. It was easier with someone from the outside. Carisi hadn’t known Ezra, not really, so he didn’t have any stories to share, didn’t feel the sadness of his loss, only empathy for someone who was going through something awful. Toward the end of his leave, Rafael had actually found himself looking forward to Carisi’s visits. Something he’d never thought in a million years would be possible. 

But then again, a lot of things had happened recently that he hadn’t imagined, so what did he know?

“You made it in.” 

Rafael looked up from his desk to see the detective himself leaning casually against his door frame. “I said I was coming back.”

“Yeah, well…” Carisi let it hang, but Rafael knew what he was saying. He’d said a lot of things over the last few weeks that he hadn’t followed through on, so he could understand Carisi’s doubts. 

“Lieu wanted to come by, but I ran interference.” Carisi folded himself into a chair across from Rafael. 

The first thing he felt was relief and then the guilt settled in. Liv was one of his best friends, but it was difficult being around her these days. She was the opposite of Carisi. She worried over Rafael, spoke to him softly, like he was one of her fragile victims. Not to mention that she’d actually known Ezra, so she was grieving in her own right. It was just  _ a lot _ . 

“So, are you back back?” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You know, are you settling in, taking it easy.” He flipped a hand toward Rafael’s desk. “Or are you diving back in?” 

Rafael leaned back in his chair, arms crossed. “I see. You want something.” 

“Just a warrant, nothing major. But I can go bug DiCarlo if you don’t want to do it.” 

Rafael spun the gold band he still wore around his left ring finger and glanced at the empty spot on his desk where the framed photo of he and Ezra had once sat—it was now face down in his desk drawer—before looking back up at Carisi. “Give me the rundown.” 

* * *

_ Two Weeks Later _

“Uh, yeah, let me get a coffee, cream, no sugar, and another coffee with four sugars. And also an egg and cheese on a roll.” Carisi looked over his shoulder at Rafael. “You hungry? Okay, that’s it,” he said to the cart attendant when Rafael shook his head. 

He dug some bills out of his wallet, waving his hand at Rafael when he reached in his own pocket. “I got it,” he said, placing the money on the ledge of the cart. 

“Down to four sugars?” Rafael asked while they waited on their order. 

“They usually get pissy if I ask for more than that so I deal.” 

Rafael huffed a laugh when the cart attendant grumbled at Sonny’s assessment while he sat two paper coffee cups on the ledge.

“This one has all the sugar,” he pushed one of the cups in Sonny’s direction. 

“See?” Sonny said, handing Rafael his coffee.

Rafael didn’t bother to respond, sipping from his own coffee cup even though the liquid burned his tongue. As far as he was concerned, that was just a bonus jolt in addition to the caffeine. 

When Sonny had procured his sandwich they continued down the sidewalk. The weather had finally begun to warm and they both wore only their suit jackets, enjoying the nice weather. 

“So anyway,” Sonny said, trying to unwrap his sandwich with his coffee in his other hand. “Liv thinks that if we go back through Sanders’ history we’ll find something. It seemed too practiced to be his first time.”

“Give me that,” Rafael huffed, taking Sonny’s coffee from him, tired of watching the struggle. 

“Thanks.” Sonny finished peeling off the foil and took a bite, holding it out in front of him so that cheese didn’t drip on his tie. 

“And I’ll bet money that if there are past victims they were paid off, or they certainly didn’t disclose to anyone…”

“Yeah, yeah, but it goes to pattern, which, while you probably can’t use any of it in court, will help us get a warrant for his DNA.” Sonny grinned over at him triumphantly. 

“Don’t look so victorious. You literally have egg on your face,” Rafael deadpanned. 

“Ah man.” Sonny wiped at his mouth. “Did I get it?”

“Yes.” 

“Good.” He shoved the remainder of his sandwich in his mouth and took his coffee back from Rafael to wash it down. 

It didn’t even surprise Rafael anymore how fast cops could eat. Years of having to eat on the go, or quickly inhaling something before they had to chase down a lead gave most of them the ability. 

They reached a corner and Sonny tossed his wrapper in a nearby trash can as they waited for the light to change, or a break in traffic, whichever came first. Rafael’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he switched his coffee to his left hand so he could grab it, just as the signal changed to allow them to cross. 

“Carisi!” It all happened in a split second. Sonny taking one step off of the curb, Rafael’s phone and coffee falling to the ground as he reached out and grabbed Sonny’s elbow, pulling him back onto the sidewalk as a bike, having run the red, whizzed by in the bike lane.

“Whoa,” Sonny said, seemingly unbothered by the close call. “Thanks. I really wish the unis would ticket those guys, but they never do.” 

When Rafael didn’t respond, he turned to find the counselor standing perfectly still, white as a sheet. His phone lay face down on the sidewalk and coffee was splashed all over his shoes and pant legs. He seemed to care about neither, which is what really concerned Sonny. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Sonny put his hand on Rafael’s arm, ignoring the pedestrians who grumbled and moved around them to make the light. Rafael’s arm trembled beneath his touch and it finally hit him what was wrong. “Oh my God, I’m so stupid. I’m sorry. It’s fine though. Everything’s fine.” 

Rafael nodded, clearing his throat. “No, I know. You’re right. It’s just…” 

He didn’t have to finish it. Sonny couldn’t even imagine the feelings that a near biking accident would cause Rafael. He knew none of it was good. 

He slid his hand up to Rafael’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. “We’re all good. Nobody’s hurt, but why don’t I grab us a cab for the rest of the way? 

Rafael simply nodded. 

“Okay. Okay…” Sonny intoned, trying to make himself feel better as well as Rafael. But it only got worse when he picked up Rafael’s phone from the sidewalk, seeing that the phone screen was mostly shattered. It was still on, but he’d probably slice up his thumbs if he tried to use it. “Oh man, Barba, I’m sorry.” 

Rafael didn’t even seem to care. “It’s just a phone.” He took it, putting it back in his breast pocket without even really looking at it. 

Sonny would rather have had Barba be pissed at him for causing him to break his phone or to make him promise to pay to replace it; any type of reaction would have been better than this. 

Without knowing what else to do, he tossed Rafael one more worried glance and then stepped to the edge of the sidewalk to hail them a cab. 


	4. Chapter 4

There was a knock on his office door and Rafael sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead where the makings of a headache threatened. All he’d wanted was a quiet afternoon to himself. He didn’t have court, didn’t have any meetings, and with his cell phone obliterated he didn’t have to worry about people bothering him that way. 

The incident with Carisi that morning still had him shaken. He still thought of Ezra every single day, he was sure that he always would, but he’d done a great job of locking the accident itself somewhere in the back of his mind where it couldn’t bother him. Even the nightly nightmares, seeing Ezra hit by a car, sliding up the hood and windshield, blood spilling, had lowered in frequency. 

He was sure he’d have one tonight. He just didn’t know if it would be Ezra or Carisi on the hood of the car. 

Another tentative knock sounded on his door and he realized that, lost in his thoughts, he’d failed to address it the first time. He let out a beleaguered “Yes?” not even sure if it was loud enough for the person to hear, but the door swung open. 

Rafael didn’t know if he was happy or annoyed to see Carisi, but the one thing he wasn’t was surprised. “I told Carmen not to let anyone through.” There wasn’t any bite to it, just facts.

“Oh, uh, she’s not at her desk.” 

Rafael frowned. He considered Carmen to be Superwoman, but he supposed even she had to make a trip to the bathroom now and then.

Carisi stepped into the room, closing the door behind him, and Rafael saw that he held a bag with the Apple logo on it. “Do you want me to go?”

“You’re already here.” He gestured toward one of the chairs opposite him and Carisi took a seat, setting the bag down on the desk. 

“I got you a new phone.” 

“What? Carisi you didn’t have to. I was going to replace it...at some point.” He realized he hadn’t even really thought about it. He could have had Carmen do it first thing, she was an admin on his account, but it hadn’t occurred to him. 

“I did.” Sonny said it with conviction, pulling out the box and setting the bag off to the side. “It’s my fault yours was broken.” He didn’t tell him that he’d put the phone on his credit card or that it would probably be the first time in his entire life that he didn’t pay off the full balance at the end of the month, but none of that mattered. 

“I just feel so bad about what happened today. I’m also willing to pay for your dry cleaning and shoe shine for the coffee spill.” 

Rafael glanced down toward the floor, spotting the now dried coffee stains. He’d forgotten about them. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I know I can’t fix what happened. I just want to make it better. If I can.” Carisi continued to ramble. “And I’m really sorry for...for bringing up bad memories. I’ve done my best to try to make you feel better these last couple of months and then I go and—”

“Carisi.” Rafael interrupted his rambling. “It’s okay. Really. You didn’t do anything wrong and nothing happened. Besides, I can’t break down every time I see a bicycle.” 

They both knew that it had been more than that, but Sonny didn’t point it out. “You’re allowed to feel what you feel.” 

“I can’t.” It was said carefully, through a nearly clenched jaw, a lump in his throat. He didn’t know how to make Carisi understand that underneath the suit and the attitude that he still freely bestowed upon the squad and defense attorneys alike, he was barely keeping it together. 

The loss of Ezra had shattered him into a million pieces, and he’d managed to gather them up and reassemble them into something resembling his old self, but it was precarious. If he allowed himself to feel one thing, he’d have to feel everything, and then he’d be back to square one with Carisi doing his dishes and forcing him to shower. 

He couldn’t let that happen. 

But it was going to be hard, especially with Carisi looking at him with those worried blue eyes. 

“Thank you for the phone.” 

Carisi looked a little surprise at the change in topic, but rolled with it. “Uh, yeah, sure. Obviously I didn’t have your account info or anything so you’ll have to port your number and everything over from your old phone to the new one. I can help if you want.” He added when Barba looked a bit uncertain. 

Rafael wanted to tell him that he knew how to set up a new cell phone for God’s sake, but the truth was he didn’t. Ezra had handled anything technology related. It hadn’t ever been anything Rafael needed to worry about. The latest phone would appear on the kitchen counter, all set up and ready to go.

Ezra had loved showing him all the new features of each iOs system, but Rafael had complained. All he needed was to be able to communicate with people. He didn’t need his phone to count his steps or edit movies. 

He looked at the glossy box that sat on his desk, wishing with his entire being that Ezra was here to spend an hour excitedly telling him what the phone could do. But Ezra wasn’t here. And Carisi wanted to help. 

He lifted his eyes, mustering up what little bit of his old self that he could. “Well, I guess since you’re already here, you can help.” 

* * *

  
_ One Week Later _

This was absolute torture. Rafael’s chest heaved and his lungs burned with every breath he took. A sharp pain ran up his side as he did his best to keep up with Carisi on the asphalt path. It was a losing battle so he decided to forfeit.

Stopping right where he was, he bent over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. Sweat coated his face and trickled down his back despite the cool, early morning air. He rubbed his forehead on the sleeve of his t-shirt. There wasn’t much he could do about the rest. 

It took Sonny a few moments to realize that Barba was no longer with him, but once he did, he doubled back. “You okay?” He took the look of contempt on Barba’s face when he looked up at him as a no. 

“It’s easier to catch your breath if you stand up straight and put your hands on the back of your head.” He demonstrated, stepping over to the side of the path to let some other early joggers pass by.

“Is that actually true?” Barba asked skeptically, but he stood upright, though he left his arms down. 

Sonny shrugged. “It’s what my baseball coach always said to do. Not sure if there’s actual science to back it up.”

Barba rolled his eyes. “I should have known you were a sportsman; that’s why you’re so good at this.”

“Um, I think the word you’re looking for is ‘athlete’, and running requires no athletic skill whatsoever.” 

“I don’t even know how I got roped into this anyway,” Barba grumbled, finally getting his breath back. 

“Oh, that’s easy,” Sonny said with a grin. “I lawyered you.”

“Impossible. I can’t be lawyered.”

“You’re here aren’t you?” Barba only sent him another dirty look in response. “Oh, come on, Rafael. It’s a beautiful spring day in New York City! We’re running through Central Park, one of the best places in the world. Things could be worse.” 

“You’re right,” Rafael agreed. “But they could also be better.” 

Carisi ignored him, instead using the hem of his white Fordham t-shirt to wipe the sweat from his face. Rafael was surprised at the hint of abs that showed on his torso, running his eyes over the planes of firm skin. Carisi hadn’t really struck him as the gym type, but he supposed their current activity proved that the detective worked out. 

Just as Carisi dropped his t-shirt back into place, the shame hit. The fact that he could check out a man, especially Carisi, after such a short time made him burn with guilt. 

“God, you’re pale," he said to distract from what he'd been thinking.

“C’mon, man. You already made fun of my legs when I showed up in shorts this morning. We can’t all have Cuban blood.”

“The sun exists.” Rafael countered. 

“One, winter just ended. Two, you’re one to talk. It’s not like you spend a lot of time outdoors.” 

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” It felt good to toss Carisi’s earlier words back at him, and he added a smirk for good measure. 

Carisi just shook his head, giving up. “Well, we’re obviously done running. Breakfast?”

Rafael shook his head. He felt disgusting and he couldn’t even fathom sitting in a restaurant in his sweaty clothes. “No, I’m going to walk—not run, but walk—back to my apartment where I will shower and then spend the rest of the day in a seated position.” 

“I’ll make ya a deal, let me use that shower of yours and I’ll order us breakfast. It’s the least I can do for tricking you into doing exercise.” 

“You didn’t trick me,” Rafael argued. He didn’t know what would be worse, that Carisi managed to con him into this or that he actually chose to be here. “But you can still pay for breakfast. And I get the shower first.” 

“Of course.” 

Rafael huffed. “Fine.” He turned back the way they’d come, not bothering to see if Carisi was following. 

Sonny just rolled his eyes and with a couple strides of his long legs he caught up to Rafael. They were quiet while they exited the park and it wasn’t until they were waiting on the light to change so they could cross Central Park West, that Rafael spoke.

“You know, you don’t have to keep asking me to do things. I don’t need a babysitter.” 

“I know.” Carisi shoved back sweaty strands of hair that had fallen over his forehead. “But that’s what friends do. They hang out.” 

“We’re friends?” He honestly had never really thought about it. At first he’d figured Carisi was just checking up on him, keeping him distracted so he couldn’t fall into the black hole of his grief out of a mix of some weird sense of duty and the kindness of just a genuinely nice person. But he realized that over the last few months the detective had become a constant in his life. Someone he could rely on. He supposed that was a friend. 

“Um, I mean, I thought so.” Carisi looked a bit embarrassed now. “I figured if you wanted me to leave you alone, you’d tell me.” 

“Because that’s always stopped you,” Rafael deadpanned as the light changed and they began to cross. 

“You know what I mean.” 

He did. And he also realized how one sided their friendship had been up until now. He sighed like what he was about to say was extremely difficult. “I’ll buy breakfast.”

“You sure?” Carisi looked over at him just as they hit the opposite corner.

“That’s what friends do, right?”

“Yeah,” Carisi said, grinning as they continued down the sidewalk. 


	5. Chapter 5

_ Two Months Later _

_ Can you come over tonight? I need a favor.  _

That was the text that Sonny had received earlier that afternoon. He’d agreed, but when he’d asked what Rafael needed help with, he’d said he’d tell him when he got there. 

Wondering what Rafael needed that he couldn’t text about left Sonny feeling curious and distracted for the rest of the day. He was grateful when end of shift came with no new calls. A rarity for a Friday night, but it was still early yet. He figured Fin, who was the one on call this weekend, would get something before morning.

But that was Fin’s problem, Sonny thought as he approached Rafael’s building. The street was busier than he’d seen it before. Couples and groups of friends were out and about, eating at tables on the sidewalk and heading toward happy hours, enjoying the warm summer night. 

He walked past them all, to the now familiar brick building. There was barely a moment between when he pressed the buzzer for 5E and when the electronic lock of the door clicked open. 

When he reached Rafael’s apartment, the man himself was already standing in the open doorway, holding a rocks glass about a quarter full of scotch. “Good, you’re here.” 

“Rafael, what’s going on?” 

The counselor ignored him, turning into his apartment and leaving Sonny to follow. They walked past the entryway, where there were still holes in the wall from where Sonny had taken down Ezra’s bike rack for Rafael on one of his visits. It had been hard for Rafael to see it there every day. The bike itself had been destroyed in the accident, but the rack had remained a constant reminder of what had happened. 

Rafael didn’t stop, only pausing as they passed by the kitchen to grab the rest of the bottle of scotch off of the counter. “A little liquid courage,” he said to Sonny over his shoulder. 

Finally, Sonny realized they were headed toward the bedroom. He suddenly felt uncomfortable. For all of his trips to Rafael’s apartment, he’d never been in the bedroom. He hadn’t even mentioned it since that first day, given Rafael’s reaction. Besides, he didn’t belong in there anyway. It was too private, too intimate. More than anywhere else in the apartment it had been the space Rafael had shared with Ezra. It wasn’t his place. 

He knew that Rafael had finally begun sleeping in their bed again, but only after months and several chiropractor visits. The only thing he’d told Sonny about it was that he’d bought another bed set, which had made it a little easier. 

“Rafael,” Sonny repeated as he followed him into the bedroom. “What’s going on?”

He could tell immediately which side of the bed had been Ezra’s. The nightstand on that side of the bed held a pair of thick framed glasses and a thin tablet, like they were waiting on their owner’s return. Sonny had a feeling they hadn’t moved in all this time. 

He felt like an intruder. 

Finally, stopping at the closet door, Rafael turned. “I want to go through his clothes. And I need your help.” 

“Oh, uh,” Sonny ran a hand over the back of his neck. He hadn’t been prepared for this. “Shouldn’t someone else help you? Like Liv, or your mom? I don’t really know if I’m…” 

“No. You’re a neutral party. It’s going to be hard enough, I don’t need Liv or my mother crying over every shirt. It would never get done. And I just—I need it to get done.” 

Rafael was determined it seemed, so he relented, finally dropping his hand from the back of his neck. “Okay, what do you want me to do?” 

* * *

  
Half an hour later they were seated on the floor of Rafael and Ezra’s massive walk-in closet—they’d remodeled, sacrificing bedroom space for the bigger closet, Rafael had told Sonny—Rafael with his scotch and Sonny with a beer from the six pack Rafael had bought for him. He’d handed him the bottle, saying, “I just got the one that looked most likely to be made by a guy with a beard and a man bun.” 

Clothes sat in piles around them, the hangers on what had been Ezra’s side of the closet now bare. Sonny was sure there was a more organized way of doing this, but he figured it was best to let Rafael go through the process however was best for him. 

Rafael was carefully going through each piece of clothing, deciding what to donate, what to toss, and what maybe Ezra’s parents would want. In theory there was a pile that Rafael intended to keep, but so far there was nothing in it. After he assessed an item, he’d hand it to Sonny to put in the proper pile. 

So far it had been mostly t-shirts, either plain, or with some sort of techie pun on them, some of which Sonny got and others that went over his head. Feeling brave as Rafael handed him another t-shirt for the donate pile, Sonny asked, “So how did you two meet? I mean, I was always curious because…” He gestured to the piles of t-shirts and hoodies and then to Rafael’s side of the closet, filled with tailored suits and his version of lounge wear which consisted of khakis and polo shirts. 

It wasn’t necessarily that the clothes were so different that made him curious, but that they were indicative of two different personalities. 

Rafael looked down, turning over a soft looking gray t-shirt in his hands. 

“I mean, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to,” Sonny said quickly. “It’s not really my business.” 

“No, it’s okay,” Rafael said softly, the smallest hint of a smile curving up one corner of his mouth. “It’s no big epic story. We met at a dinner party through a friend of a friend. He was so handsome. Of course I noticed him the second I walked in. He was across the room, talking with someone, and he spoke with his entire body. Hands flying everywhere, a smile on his face. I didn’t catch all of what he was saying, but he was making the other person laugh, and I felt myself wanting to be in on the joke…”

Rafael cleared his throat. “And then you know, it just gets normal and boring after that. We talked, exchanged numbers, that whole thing. There was never a dramatic moment where we declared our love for each other. It just...happened. He slowly became a part of my life, a part of me, to the point where I couldn’t remember when he wasn’t.”

Sonny wasn’t sure what to say, and if he did, he wasn’t sure he could talk around the lump in his throat. 

Rafael sniffed and handed Sonny the shirt in his hand, gesturing toward the donate pile, and then reaching for another. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. We weren’t perfect; he wasn’t perfect. He snored and had the habit of eating cereal at midnight in bed and leaving the bowl on the nightstand for two days. 

“He was always testing out stuff for work here at the apartment. One time he hooked up an electronic lock to the door that was supposed to work with an app on our phones. Well, it didn’t, so we got locked out. And then it took three different locksmiths to figure out how to get the door open with that damn lock on it.”

Rafael laughed softly at the memory instead of sounding annoyed. The night hadn’t actually been that bad. Ezra had run across the street to the sushi place to grab them dinner, and they’d sat on the stairs eating tuna rolls and sashimi while they rotated through the various locksmiths. It had been a very expensive night—New York City locksmiths being the notorious grifters that they were—but he wouldn’t trade it. Especially now. 

“It sounds like you guys had something really special,” Sonny said, finally finding his voice, then finishing off his beer. 

Rafael shrugged again. “I don’t know about special. But it was ours.” He felt his eyes burn and fought the tears that were threatening. Taking a deep breath he said, “And as you can see, another one of his many faults was that he had so many damn t-shirts.” 

He reached for another stack and Sonny let them fall back into the routine of sorting clothes, feeling that he’d pried enough. 

It took them almost two more hours—and even more drinks—but they managed to get through them all. Out of everything, Rafael had chosen to only keep a few ties and a burgundy MIT hoodie that looked like it had been around for quite awhile. 

“It’s funny,” Rafael said, holding the hoodie while Sonny taped up one of the boxes that would be going to Goodwill. This one was entirely taken up by near pristine Converse in every color. “He was at MIT at the same time I was at Harvard. Isn’t that crazy? Both of us running around Cambridge, which really isn’t that big, as nerdy twenty-somethings, and never running into each other.” 

“Maybe that was due to the nerdy part,” Sonny commented with a small smile. “Hard to meet someone when you’re always at the library.” 

Rafael laughed, hugging the hoodie to his chest, a subconscious gesture. “If you only knew. I had some wild times in college.” 

“Oh yeah? Did you get a B or return a library book late?” Sonny cracked, glad to have distracted Rafael a little. 

“Never,” Rafael answered quickly, but then realized he’d played right into Carisi’s hands. “You’ve made your point.”

Sonny grinned—he never won—and bent to pick up his empty beer bottles. He knew well by now where Rafael’s recycling bin was and he headed toward the kitchen. Rafael followed, still holding the hoodie. 

“Anything else I can help with?” Sonny asked once he’d tossed the bottles. 

“No. You’ve already done so much.” Rafael didn’t think he could ever explain how much he appreciated Carisi’s help, and more than anything his presence. The process of going through Ezra’s things had been painful, but it would have been unbearable if he’d had to do it alone. “Seriously, Sonny, thank you. I owe you one. Well, I guess I owe you several by now, but…” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Sonny waved it off. “I’m off tomorrow, but I can swing by the motor pool and check something out so I can drop off those boxes for you.” 

“No, no. You don’t have to do that. I’ll just hire a TaskRabbit or something.” 

“Okay.” Sonny made his way toward the door. “But let me know if that doesn’t work out or whatever. My only plans for the weekend are to catch up on sleep and tv, so I can help.” 

Rafael held the door open for him. “Okay. I’ll let you know.” He closed the door behind the detective, but stood in place, still hugging the hoodie to his chest. It smelled like Ezra’s cologne because he hardly ever washed it—something that Rafael used to complain about, but was now grateful for—because it was starting to get threadbare in places. 

Not taking the time to think about it, he slipped the hoodie over his head. It was way too big and he practically swam in it, but he didn’t care. For a moment Ezra was with him again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sad, but it gets better from here, I promise.

_ One Month Later _

Sonny pulled the Interceptor up to the curb, parking around the corner from Rafael’s apartment. The counselor would probably make fun of him for being overly concerned, but he didn’t care. Rafael hadn’t been answering his texts or calls all day. He’d even called his office, only to have Carmen tell him that Rafael had taken a sick day. 

He left his jacket where he’d tossed it in the backseat, hitting the sidewalk in his rolled up shirtsleeves. Not that it helped much in the oppressive August heat. He already had sweat on his brow by the time he’d made the short walk to Rafael’s building. 

He pressed the buzzer, holding it down for a few seconds and then hitting it with a couple quick bursts for good measure. He waited a couple minutes, before trying again. There was still no response. He was starting to think that maybe Rafael was actually sick and that he was just here disturbing him for no reason. 

But something didn’t feel right. 

Pulling out his phone he sent Rafael a quick text.  _ Hey, I’m downstairs. Let me in.  _

Just a moment later, the door buzzed, the lock clicking open. 

Rafael must have been waiting by his apartment door because he swung it open as soon as Sonny knocked. “Shouldn’t you be at work?” he asked, moving away from the door, but leaving it open for Sonny to follow him into the apartment. 

“Told the lieutenant I needed to take a personal. I didn’t tell her why. I didn’t want to worry her too.” 

“Too?” Rafael asked, moving into the kitchen where a fresh pot of coffee had just finished brewing. He set to work pouring himself a cup, adding creamer, and not looking at Carisi. 

“You weren’t answering your phone.” Now that he said it out loud, it sounded ridiculous. Rafael was a grown man. He was allowed to take a day off of work. 

“I’m sick.” Rafael said by way of explanation, not even bothering to fake any symptoms. 

“You really look it.”

Finally he sighed, turning around to lean against the counter, arms crossed. “It’s Ezra’s birthday.” 

In all of the time that they’d been friends, Sonny didn’t think Rafael had ever said Ezra’s name out loud to him. It was always “he” and Sonny knew who he meant. He wasn’t experienced enough with grief to know what it meant that he was saying Ezra’s name now.

“Oh, Rafael. I’m really sorry.” Now he regretted even more that he’d interrupted the counselor’s day. 

Rafael gave a small shrug, his right hand spinning his wedding band around his finger, something that Sonny didn’t think he even knew he did. “It is what it is, you know? I just thought it was probably better to stay home. Just in case.”

“Is there anything I can do?  Did you want to do anything special? I have the squad car. I can drive you to the cemetery if you need a ride.” 

“No, that’s okay. Really. I actually…” Rafael took a breath. “I haven’t been to the cemetery since the funeral.” 

“Really?” Sonny didn’t mean to sound so surprised, but even though Rafael had never mentioned it to him, he just assumed he’d been going and that it had been something private. 

Rafael didn’t know what to say. That he’d been avoiding it because he was too afraid? That seeing Ezra’s name, carved in granite would make it all too real? It was the truth, but he didn’t want Carisi to know he was a coward. 

When Rafael only sipped his coffee and didn’t respond, Sonny spoke again. “I guess I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry for bothering you; I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.” 

“Actually,” Rafael said when he turned to leave. “I might take you up on that ride.” 

* * *

Sonny rolled the car to a stop as close as he could get to where Ezra was buried, and then shifted it into park. “I’ll wait here.” 

“Would you mind—I mean, could you come with me? If you’re comfortable.” Rafael was quick to add. 

“Oh, um. Yeah, sure.” He wasn’t entirely comfortable, if he was being honest, but like it had been with the clothes, he knew if Rafael was vulnerable enough to reach out, to ask for help, then it meant that he really needed it. If he needed Sonny to physically stand with him in order to be able to do this, then that’s what he’d do. 

They made their way up the grassy hill, Rafael carrying the bouquet of flowers they’d bought off a vendor on Rafael’s street corner. 

It took Rafael a minute to find it among the all of the headstones, but in his defense the last time he’d been here there’d been a large tent to show him the way. He didn’t even know what the gravestone looked like. That, too, had been in the packet Ezra had put together, so Rafael had avoided any mention of it.

When he finally did spot it, his heart froze. It was simple, just his name and the important dates. The one where he’d come into the world and the one where he’d left. Just like that. There were no statues or bible verses carved into the stone, it was just a simple marker at the head of a grave where newly grown grass was just a little bit greener than that around it. 

Rafael did his best not to look at the empty space to its right. The space where he supposed he’d end up someday. 

There were fresh bouquets placed around the headstone and Rafael assumed Ezra’s parents had been there that morning. He really needed to call them—he couldn’t remember the last time they’d spoken—but that was another thing he’d been avoiding. They only served as another reminder of what he’d lost. 

His mother stayed in touch with them, and kept him updated on how they were doing, but he knew that wasn’t good enough. 

As he stood there, doing his best to swallow down the lump in his throat, Rafael was grateful for Sonny’s presence, even if he was standing back a few feet to give Rafael his privacy. He knew if he was here alone he’d probably fall apart, but trying to keep himself together so as not to humiliate himself and make Carisi even more uncomfortable was helpful. 

“I forget sometimes, you know?” He said it quietly, not sure if he was talking to Sonny or to Ezra or just the universe. “I’ll be at work and I’ll make it a whole hour or two where it’s just business as usual, and then I’ll remember. I’ll remember that he’s gone and I don’t know what’s worse, the guilt of forgetting or the pain of remembering.”

He felt Sonny step a little closer, a comforting hand placed on his shoulder. 

“And it’s so weird because I’ll prepare myself for when it should be the hardest. Like today, I was sure today I would wake up and just feel the weight of it and not be able to get out of bed, but it felt just like yesterday. But I guess because I was expecting it, it didn’t come. 

“Instead it comes for me when I least expect it. A stupid commercial will come on TV with a jingle that he used to sing over and over because it got caught in his head. Or I’ll find a piece of paper with his handwriting on it and I just lose it.” He shook his head. “I don’t understand how I can win this when the other side doesn’t fight fair.”

He finally turned to look back at Carisi which was a big mistake because the detective’s blue eyes glistened with his own tears and that was all it took for the dam to break. 

When a sob escaped Rafael’s throat, Sonny didn’t say anything, he just used the hand that was already on Rafael’s shoulder to pull him into his chest. He held his arm tight around Rafael, letting him cry into his shirt for as long as he needed. 


	7. Chapter 7

_ Three Months Later _

“Are you sure you and your ma don’t want to have dinner with my family?” Sonny asked. He and Rafael were in a three-days-before-Thanksgiving level crowded West Side Market so that Sonny could get pie ingredients. 

Rafael still didn’t understand why he couldn’t just buy one of the frozen pies that were already made, but Sonny had about had a coronary when he’d suggested it. 

“I have never been more sure of anything in my life,” Rafael deadpanned, narrowly moving out of the way of a sticky toddler hand that reached out from a cart. 

Carisi had been trying for a couple of weeks to get Rafael and his mother to schlep out to Staten Island for Thanksgiving dinner, and as much as he appreciated the offer, he’d rather have a root canal. 

There were very few reasons he would step foot on Staten Island, and dinner with a hundred loud-mouthed Carisis was not one of them. Besides, Thanksgiving had never really been that big of a deal for his family, and he and his mom had a tradition of going to dinner at their favorite restaurant in his old neighborhood. 

Even when he and Ezra had started dating, Rafael had gone to the Bronx to have dinner with his mother, while Ezra took the train to Connecticut to visit his family. He didn’t break tradition then, he wasn’t going to do it now. And if he was being honest, he was looking forward to it. It was something normal, something that wouldn’t emphasize the fact that Ezra wasn’t there. And he needed that. 

“Alright,” Sonny took a sack of flour off of the shelf and put it in his shopping basket. “But the offer stands if you change your mind.” 

“I assure you I won’t. Now can we please get out of here? This place is a nightmare.” 

Sonny did a survey of his basket, mentally going over his shopping list and trying to remember what he already had at home. “Yeah, I think I’m good. Let’s go.” 

The checkout line practically wrapped through the store and they were only about halfway to the register when Rafael complained for the twentieth time about the wait. “Oh my God. There’s a coffee shop next door, if I give you money to go get a coffee will you stop whining?”

“I do not whine.” Rafael straightened his shoulders. “But yes, I will take a coffee. And a pastry.” 

Sonny rolled his eyes, but sat his shopping basket on the floor, pulling out his wallet. “Fine, but get me something too. I’ll be over in a minute.” He handed Rafael a twenty. 

It was several minutes, and Rafael was on his second coffee—that he’d purchased with his own money— and had finished his chocolate croissant by the time Sonny walked into the small cafe, shopping bags in hand. The shop was in that evening lull that was common for places that mostly specialized in caffeine and baked goods, nothing like the zoo that was the supermarket, and Rafael had managed to snag a table by the window. 

“Your coffee’s cold.” Rafael didn’t even bother to look up from his phone as Sonny sat down across from him, finishing an email to Carmen. Even this close to the holiday he was still busy. 

“I’m a cop. Ninety percent of the time the coffee I’m drinking is cold.” As if proving his point, he took a sip. He lucked out, it was still a little warm. “Thanks again for coming, and for stashing my groceries at your place. Like I said, it doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s edible it will disappear at the precinct. Doesn’t matter if it’s pure shortening. They’re animals.” 

Sonny was working doubles most of the week so that Rollins and Olivia could spend time with their kids while they were off of school for the holiday. He didn’t mind; he liked the overtime, but it made shopping difficult. He’d managed to sweet talk Fin into holding down the fort while he’d run out for this trip, but he didn’t have time to take it all back to his apartment. 

“Well, as you know, there’s no chance of your ingredients getting used at my place, so they’ll be safe.” 

Sonny snorted. Basically every restaurant in a ten block radius of Rafael’s apartment knew him by name. “There’s a reason I chose you for this.” He snuck a peek at his watch. “Shit, I gotta go. I told Fin I’d be back by seven. Do you want me to help you get these into a car?” 

“I think I’m capable of carrying two grocery bags, but thank you for your concern.” 

Ignoring his sarcasm, Sonny stood and grabbed his coffee to take with him. “Thanks again. Not sure when I’ll be able to swing by to pick everything up. Maybe not until Wednesday evening.” 

“It’ll be there,” Rafael assured him. 

When Sonny was gone Rafael stayed for a bit, enjoying his coffee and the quiet before he had to go back out onto the bustling streets. This time of year it wouldn’t surprise him if tourists outnumbered the locals. And it was only the beginning. It would be like this, or worse, until after New Year’s. 

Winter in New York was always awful, just a series of frigid, gray days where they were lucky if they got snow instead of a gross mix of sleet and rain. Rafael wasn’t looking forward to being holed up alone with his thoughts for months on end. Although, he thought as he looked out at all of the harried shoppers and tourists, he had a feeling that a certain detective wouldn’t let that happen. 

* * *

_ Two Months Later _

The cold bit at Rafael’s cheeks and nose the second he stepped out onto the balcony—if it could even be called that. Barely wide enough for two people, he wondered how much extra Rollins paid for the luxury—but he needed some air. 

Half the squad room was crammed in Rollins’ apartment celebrating the incoming new year and it had gotten to be just a little much. He leaned his forearms on the railing, and, out of habit, went to spin his wedding around his finger. He was abruptly reminded that he’d taken it off just before Christmas. 

He still wasn’t sure what had led him to do it. It just felt like it was time. That didn’t mean he hadn’t sat on the floor of his apartment, half a bottle of scotch in his belly, crying like a baby after he’d done it, but in the light of the following morning he’d felt like he’d made the right choice. 

It had been nearly a year, and Ezra wasn’t coming back. It was time to start trying to move on. He was pretty sure he’d never get over his loss, never go a day without thinking of Ezra, missing him, but he thought maybe it would serve Ezra’s memory best if he lived his life. 

Right now, half buzzed, celebrating a holiday that his husband had loved, it seemed easier said than done. It would be the first New Year’s Eve in seven years that he wouldn’t kiss Ezra at midnight. 

“There you are.” 

Rafael looked over his shoulder to see Carisi stepping onto the balcony, closing the door behind him. 

“Aren’t you freezing?” Sonny crossed his arms, trying to ward off the cold himself. 

His hands and face were starting to go a little numb, Rafael realized. He’d been too lost in thought before to notice. “Just needed some air.” 

Sonny leaned his back onto the railing next to him. “Sorry for dragging you to this. If you’re not having a good time we can go. Amanda’s so drunk she wouldn’t even notice.” 

Even with all he’d had to drink the ‘we’ didn’t go unnoticed by Rafael. Like they were a unit, coming and going together. He supposed lately that had been true. “Nothing that dramatic. I can only watch so many patrol officers throw away their dignity before I need a break.” 

Sonny chuckled. “Yeah, a few of them are hittin’ it a little hard. I think this is the first year they haven’t been stuck in Times Square and they’re making the most of it.” 

“What’s your excuse?” Rafael asked, bumping Sonny’s arm with his shoulder. “I saw those dance moves. Actually, I feel like that does the word ‘dance’ a disservice.” 

Sonny brought a hand to his face, groaning in embarrassment. “Oh God. I blame Rollins. She harassed me until I gave in.” 

“Uh huh.”

“That’s why I came out here, I had to escape while Amanda was in the bathroom.” 

“And here I thought you were looking for me.” Rafael turned to face him, having to tilt his head back to look at him from this close. 

“Well, um, yeah that too.” Sonny swallowed. He knew he’d had a bit to drink, but was Rafael flirting with him? That couldn’t be right. Right? He closed his eyes for a moment, like that would reset things, but when he opened them the other man still stood close, looking up at him. 

He should probably take a step back, insist that they go inside and get out of the cold. They’d both been drinking, and he was sure that Rafael was just feeling lonely. But despite all of that, he didn’t move. 

Well, that was a lie. He did move, but it was in the wrong direction. Instead of heading toward the door he turned to face Rafael. He was afraid to say anything, to do anything, but then Rafael licked his lips and Sonny felt his head lowering on its own. 

“There you guys are!” 

Both of them jumped back, putting as much space between them as the small balcony allowed. 

Rollins stood in the open doorway, a little unsteady on her feet, the music from the party spilling out behind her. “You’re gonna miss the countdown!”

Sonny sighed, relieved that she was too drunk to notice what she’d just interrupted. He spared a glance at Rafael, who suddenly found the floor of the balcony extremely interesting, then turned back to Amanda. “Yeah, okay. We’re comin’,” he said, following her back into the apartment.


	8. Chapter 8

_ One Month Later _

  
“I know I’ve said it already, but I really am sorry for not being much of a friend this past year.” 

Rafael sat across from Olivia in a booth at Forlini’s. It was the first time the two of them had gone to dinner since Ezra had died, and he felt guilty as hell about it. They’d still seen each other practically every day at work, but he knew it wasn’t the same.

“I understand,” Olivia said, which just made him feel worse. “Everyone is allowed to grieve in their own ways, and I know that, in some way, you associate me with him and that must have been hard.” 

He tapped his finger against his glass of scotch. Sometimes he forgot how good she was at reading people. 

“Besides,” she continued, “I knew you were well taken care of.”

“Oh?” Rafael cocked an eyebrow. 

Olivia took a sip of her cabernet, setting the glass back down on the table before she spoke. “You and Carisi have gotten awfully close.” Her tone made it seem as if it was a change of subject, but he knew better.

“That’s your fault. You sent him to my apartment that day and he never left.” 

“You don’t seem to mind all that much.” 

Rafael leaned back in the booth, eyeing her carefully. “Who am I talking to right now? His boss or my friend?”

She tilted her head. “You know better than to ask me that.” 

He took a deep breath, trying to decide if he should keep talking. Once it was spoken aloud it was out there in the universe, no turning back. “We almost kissed on New Year’s Eve.”

“What? Really?”

Rafael laughed. “Wow, you’ve really been behind a desk too long because that was the worst acting I’ve ever seen.” 

“It wasn’t that bad,” she insisted. 

“Yeah, sure,” he chuckled again, and then, “Rollins?” Olivia just nodded. “I knew she wasn’t that drunk.” 

“So what does it mean? The almost kiss?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.”

“You haven’t talked about it? It was a month ago.” 

“I’m aware.” He took a swig of scotch. “We’ve pretty much just been pretending it never happened, which, honestly, is probably for the best.”

Rafael had fully expected Sonny to bring it up the next time they’d seen each other, but he hadn’t. And there was no way Rafael was going to be the first to mention it. He’d regretted his actions the second Rollins’ had burst through the door. He’d never been so grateful to be interrupted. The problem wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to kiss Sonny, the problem was that he had. 

“Really?” This time Olivia’s surprise was genuine. 

“It’s just that...it feels like a betrayal, you know? Like if I choose to be with Sonny that means I’m picking him over Ezra.” He’d spent a lot of time thinking about this, and he kept coming back to the same conclusion. Ezra had been the love of his life, his one chance to be happy with someone, and he didn’t deserve a second one. Especially not this soon.

Olivia looked at him like she did her victims, head tilted and eyes soft. “But Rafa, don’t you realize that no matter who you end up with down the road, you’ll be with them because Ezra is gone? You’re not choosing anyone over him. You don’t have that choice; it was made for you.”

“It just feels  _ wrong.  _ How do I just move on, act like he never existed? What kind of person would that make me?”

“That’s not what it would be. You’re not flipping a switch on all of your memories of him, and if you’re with the right person they wouldn’t expect that of you. And specifically speaking of Carisi, he’d never want that. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting.” 

Rafael knew deep down that she was right, especially the part about Sonny. He’d been with Rafael every step of the way, watching him mourn and helping him through it. He’d never want Rafael to act like he hadn’t loved Ezra. 

Then there was the other possibility, that Carisi had been drunk and caught up in the moment. That he didn’t feel that way at all about him, and Rafael was having this existential crisis for no reason whatsoever. 

“Besides,” Olivia continued. “I know Ezra would want you to be happy. Wouldn’t you want the same for him if the situation was reversed?”

“Absolutely not. In fact I told him that if anything ever happened to me I wanted him to go into deep mourning like a Victorian widow.” 

Olivia laughed, heartened to see that there was still some of that Rafael snark in there. “Well, Ezra wouldn’t want that for you. I’m certain. All he ever wanted when he was alive was for you to be happy, there’s no way he wouldn’t want the same for you now.” 

“You don’t think it’s all too soon?” He hated that he was looking for her validation. Like if she told him that he wasn’t moving on too fast it absolved him of any wrongdoing. 

“It’s not like you and Carisi would be heading to the courthouse or anything anytime soon. I don’t think it’s too early to have someone in your life, someone who cares for you, someone you can rely on. Everyone deserves that.” 

What she said made sense, everything in his logical mind believed what she was saying, but that didn’t change the feeling in his gut. It was a twisted ball of apprehension, anxiety, and guilt that had been there since he’d gotten the phone call about Ezra’s accident. It had grown smaller, and there were some days when it faded away to nearly nothing, but at other times, like now, it came back with a vengeance. He was starting to think it would be there forever. 

He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. “Are you ready to order? I’m starving.” 

Olivia looked like she was going to say something, he watched her mental battle over whether or not to not let him get away with the obvious change of subject, but instead she relented. “Sure, let’s order.” 

* * *

_ Two Months Later _

  
Fear and panic gripped Sonny’s chest as he brought the Interceptor to a screeching halt outside of New York-Presbyterian. He ignored someone shouting at him that he couldn’t park there, running inside. 

The woman at the desk was on the phone and Sonny impatiently tapped his badge on the top of it while he waited. When that didn’t work he waved his badge near her face. “Hello.” 

Seemingly unphased, the woman held up a finger and continued speaking into the phone. Finally, after what seemed like a year, she hung up. “Can I help you, Officer?”

“Detective,” he corrected more out of reflex than pride. His rank wasn’t really important at the moment. “Rafael Barba. Where is he?”

“Are you family?” she asked, despite his badge. She seemed to be taking a little bit of joy in stonewalling him. 

“He’s a witness in an investigation.” The lie came easily. 

The woman sighed, turning to look at her computer screen, tapping a few keys. “Curtain seven.” 

“Thank you.” He was off running again, nearly slamming into an oncoming gurney, but managing to miss it at the last second. He slid to a stop in front of curtain area seven, finding Barba sitting sideways on a hospital bed, an ice pack on his wrist and his phone in his other hand.

“Sonny?” Rafael looked at him, confused. “What are you doing here?” 

“What do you mean? You’re here. I thought something was...Liv said you were in the ER and I…” Sonny was still trying to catch his breath, dealing with the adrenaline that was still pumping through his veins, and it was difficult to put together a coherent thought. 

The relief he felt at seeing that Rafael was okay was immeasurable. For the first time in his life he thought maybe he’d gotten a small taste of what Rafael had felt the day he’d gotten the call about Ezra. He couldn’t imagine what it would have been like if he hadn’t found Rafael upright and talking. 

“It’s just that...why didn’t  _ you _ call me?” he finally managed.

“Well, it’s embarrassing that I slipped on ice, so I didn’t really want to advertise it. Liv only knows because we were supposed to be meeting to discuss the Robinson case. And besides, it’s just my wrist.” 

“But still, I’m your—”

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “You’re my what, Carisi?”

Realizing what he’d said, Sonny did his best to backpedal. “You know, I’m—I’m your friend.” He cleared his throat, not giving Rafael a chance to respond. “So you’re okay?”

“Just the wrist. I’m waiting on the x-rays to come back. Which these days are instantaneous, so I’m really waiting on some doctor who looks like he should still be in high school to view them.” 

“Do they think it’s broken?” 

“Most likely. At least it’s my left wrist. Carmen is great, but I don’t think she’d be thrilled about taking dictation.” 

“She’d still do it,” Sonny said with a small grin. He was pretty sure Carmen would walk through fire for Rafael. 

“Probably.” Rafael shifted the ice pack on his wrist. “You really don’t have to stay here, you know. God knows how long this is going to take.” 

“No, no. I’ll stay and drive you home. I probably should move the car though, if they haven’t already towed it. I think I parked in an ambulance bay.” 

“Liv knew it wasn’t serious. She should have told you I was okay.” 

“I didn’t really give her the chance.” Sonny ducked his head and ran a hand over the back of his neck. “I heard your name and hospital and I just kinda took off.” 

Rafael just looked at him a moment and Sonny suddenly felt like he was in the witness box, but finally he said, “You should probably go move your car.” 


	9. Chapter 9

It took a couple more hours as it turned out that Rafael’s wrist was indeed broken and they had to wait for him to get a cast put on. He’d gone with a black one in hopes that it would be less noticeable against his suits. Sonny was pretty sure people would still notice, but didn’t say anything.

“This is unbelievable,” Rafael complained as he climbed into the SUV when Sonny had pulled it around to the front of the hospital. “Six weeks! What am I supposed to do with only one functioning hand for six weeks?”

“Hey, like you said, at least it’s your left wrist,” Sonny said, pulling away from the curb. 

“It’s still annoying. And I have to wrap it in a plastic bag to shower!” Rafael complained the entire way to his apartment, grumbling that he’d been dealing with New York winters his entire life and he’d never slipped on ice. He was sure it was because someone bumped into him. 

Sonny just provided murmurs of agreement, letting him vent. He found a parking space less than a block from Rafael’s building, which he considered a small miracle. “Do you need help getting down out of the car?”

“No, I do not,” Rafael shoved the door open as if to prove he wasn’t helpless. 

Sonny still hurried around the car to be nearby just in case, but Rafael was already on the sidewalk, slamming the door shut with his good arm. 

“You don’t have to come up. I’m perfectly capable of getting to my apartment. My legs aren’t broken.” 

“Oh, uh, okay. I mean, if you don’t want me to…” 

Sonny’s face made Rafael soften a little. It wasn’t Sonny’s fault that he’d fallen or that his scaphoid bone (something he didn’t even know existed earlier in the day) was now in two pieces. In fact, the detective had gone out of his way to try to make sure that Rafael was okay. 

“I just thought maybe you had to get back to work,” Rafael said, the attitude gone from his voice. “But you can come up if you want. I’ll even let you make me coffee since I’m now an invalid.” 

Sonny rolled his eyes, but started toward Rafael’s building. “You went from indignant to invalid really fast.”

Rafael shrugged. “If I’m gonna be stuck like this, I might as well lean in.” 

* * *

Once inside, Sonny went to work making a pot of coffee while Rafael changed out of his suit. By now Rafael’s kitchen was just as familiar to him as his own and he opened cupboards and drawers without a second thought, pulling out the expensive imported coffee beans that Rafael stocked and adding them to the grinder. 

“I have a problem.” 

Sonny jumped at the voice behind him, not having heard Rafael come in over the sound of the coffee grinder. “Jesus.” He spun around to find Rafael standing in the middle of the kitchen wearing a pair of expensive looking sweatpants, his striped dress shirt hanging from his left wrist where it had caught on his cast. 

Sonny felt something catch in his throat at the sight of Rafael in his undershirt, his skin taking on an even more bronze quality against the stark white of the t-shirt, but he snapped out of it when Rafael shook his arm, flapping the shirt that hung off of it. 

“I can’t get it off.” 

“I can see that.” 

Rafael huffed. “I didn’t come out here for show and tell. Can you help me get it off or not?” 

Sonny's face burned at that particular combination of words and he only hoped that Rafael didn’t notice. Ever since their almost kiss on New Year’s Eve he continuously found himself feeling things for Rafael that he should not be feeling. It made him feel like a jerk, crushing on his friend who relied on him to be there for him through an unbearable loss. What kind of person did that? 

“Sure, yeah, sorry.” Sonny stepped forward, adjusting the shirt to see what he was working with. He nearly rolled his eyes when he saw that Rafael hadn’t even undone the cuff where the nurse had rolled it up so they could put his cast on. No wonder it was caught. 

Rafael watched silently as Sonny’s long fingers went to work, unrolling the sleeve of his shirt. He hadn’t been this close to him since they’d been on Rollins’ balcony and his heart fluttered at the familiar smell of his cologne. Something subtle that had surprised him the first time he’d ever noticed it. On sight, especially those first weeks with that gastly mustache and greasy hair, he’d expected something strong and obnoxious, but it was understated. Never a word he’d expected to use when describing anything having to do with Sonny Carisi. 

But right now, even though it wasn’t strong, the smell was making him fairly light headed. He tried to pretend it was the fact that he hadn’t eaten lunch, or that it was after effects of the fall, but he knew that wasn’t it. 

These last few weeks, he’d done a lot of thinking about his conversation with Olivia. There was still conflict within him, the push and pull of attraction and guilt, but the guilt was starting to ebb. What Olivia had said was true. Ezra would want him to be happy. 

It didn’t mean that he was ready to dive full tilt into something, but he’d decided that he wouldn’t stand in his own way. If something happened, it happened. He wouldn’t fight it for the sake of fighting it. 

He’d wondered for a while if Sonny had regretted what had almost happened between them, if he was preparing himself for an eventuality that Sonny wasn’t even interested in. But then he’d catch Sonny looking at him across the table at lunch, his blue eyes intense and unwavering and he thought that maybe there was something there after all. 

And today in the hospital, when he’d come rushing in. There was more there than friendship.  _ “But I’m your…”  _

A sharp pain in his wrist knocked him out of his reverie. “I have the cast, but my wrist is still freshly  _ broken _ ,” he complained as Sonny tugged at his sleeve. 

“Sorry. Sorry,” Sonny stopped pulling on the shirt, bottom lip between his teeth as he tried to stretch the sleeve wider than its limits to get it over the cast. “I think we’re going to have to cut it.” 

“Are you insane? Do you know how much this shirt cost? If I wanted it hacked to pieces I would have let the nurse do it when she suggested it.” 

“Well, have fun wearing this shirt for the next six weeks because it’s not going to come off without cutting it.” Sonny sighed. “Maybe I can do it on the seam and you can get it fixed? I think it only needs to be a little bit.” 

Rafael worked his jaw, thinking. He supposed he didn’t have much choice. “Fine.” 

Finding a pair of scissors in a kitchen drawer, Sonny returned, leaning in close to see the seam. “You’re sure?”

“I don’t have a choice. Just get it over with.” 

Rafael looked away as Sonny snipped at the material, preferring not to see the damage that was being inflicted. Finally, satisfied with his work, Sonny sat the scissors on the counter and tried again to get the sleeve over the cast. This time it slipped off easily. 

Now that the problem had been solved, Sonny became aware of how intimate it felt, sliding Rafael’s shirt off of him, even if it had been for utilitarian purposes. He’d been so focused on what he was doing that he hadn’t realized how close they were to one another, but now it was all he could think about. His brain told him to take a step back, but his body kept him right where he was. 

“Here you go,” he said lamely, holding up the shirt.

“Thank you.” Rafael went to take the shirt from him, but Sonny didn’t let go, staying close. The look in Sonny’s eyes made his pulse quicken, and with it came the guilt, but also something else. Excitement. Anticipation. “Sonny.” It was soft, quiet, almost a sigh. 

He’d said it without thinking, almost as if he was finally speaking aloud what he truly wanted, but Sonny took it as a warning and immediately let go of the shirt, taking a step back. 

“I should go.” All Sonny knew was that he needed to get out of there before he ruined absolutely everything. “You can manage the coffee, right?”

Caught off guard, Rafael watched him stride past, out of the kitchen and toward the front door, before he finally tossed the shirt on the counter and followed after him. 

“What's going on? You don't have to go.” Maybe he’d been misguided. It had been a long time since he’d been through anything like this. Feelings for someone new. Maybe he’d read Sonny all wrong. 

“No, I really do.” Sonny grabbed his peacoat from the hook by the door, his fingers fumbling on the buttons as he rushed. 

“Why?”

“It’s like you said, I need to get back to work.” 

“Sonny.” His hands froze on the buttons at the sincerity in Rafael’s voice. “Tell me why you think you need to leave.” 

Sonny’s heart was thumping so hard that he could hear it in his ears. “It’s nothing.” 

“You’re a terrible liar.” 

“Okay, fine. I think that I’m in love with you. Is that what you want to hear?” It spilled out and now the dam was broken. “And that’s so fucked up because we’re friends and it’s too soon. You count on me and you don’t need me over here making googly eyes at you when you have enough going on. And...and I’m just really sorry, okay? I really don’t want this to change things. Can we just pretend I never said anything?”

“No.” 

“Dammit.” Sonny ran a hand through his hair. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to fuck this up.”

Rafael stepped closer. “What if—” He paused, taking a breath. Once he’d taken this step, there was no turning back. He had to be sure this was the right thing. One look into Sonny’s eyes, a blue storm of sadness, regret, and confusion, told him it was. “What if I want things to change?”

“What?” Sonny’s brow furrowed.

“I think...I mean, I want...We should…” Finally giving up and sighing in frustration, Rafael reached out with his good hand to hold onto the lapel of Sonny’s coat, lifting himself up enough to press his lips to Sonny’s. It wasn’t heated, no exploring tongues or wandering hands, just the melding of two sets of lips, tentative and hopeful. 

When Rafael lowered himself back down, his feet once again flat on the floor, his eyes were slow to open. “Was that okay?” 

“Are you kidding?” Once again it spilled out without Sonny’s control. “I mean, it was more than okay. For me. Are you sure it was for you? I don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you into anything or trying to take advantage of—”

Rafael put his fingers to Sonny’s mouth to stop him from talking. “I appreciate you looking out for me, and while I don’t know that I’m ready to make any grand declarations and I think we should take things slow, I’m sure of this. Of you. I’m ready.” 

The apprehension on Sonny’s face melted away into a smile that brought out both dimples. “You are?”

“I said I was, didn’t I?” 

Sonny laughed. Even in times like this, Rafael couldn’t drop the attitude. “Okay, okay. I believe you. Now, c’mere.” He pulled Rafael close, kissing him again. 

“I thought you had to get back to work,” Rafael teased, staying close even as they pulled apart. 

“They’ll live without me.” 


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can probably tell I've been absolutely terrible about responding to comments lately, but please know that every single comment and kudo means the world to me and I thank you all so so much for reading what I write. You're all the best and I'll try to make my next fic not so depressing. <3

_ One Year Later _

This time the March weather was exactly as it was expected to be, cold and gloomy, the rain smacking the top of Rafael’s umbrella as he stood before Ezra’s headstone. He couldn’t believe it had been two years. In some ways it felt like just yesterday that he’d gotten that phone call that forever changed his life, and in others it felt like a lifetime ago. 

Sonny had offered to come with him, just as he always did, but this time Rafael declined. He was stronger now, able to visit Ezra without falling apart. So Sonny had stayed behind to unpack their things. Their things in their apartment. 

They’d taken things slow, just as Rafael had wished, but now after a year they were moving in together. He knew that Sonny would have moved into his old place without a second thought—he was selfless in that way—and it had been difficult for Rafael to say goodbye to the apartment where he and Ezra had shared so many memories, but in the end he decided that it was only fair to Sonny that they start somewhere new. 

Just as Olivia had predicted, Sonny never once tried to make Rafael feel guilty for mourning the loss of Ezra. He never got jealous or seemed resentful and it was a gift Rafael could never repay. It was also how Rafael knew that this was how things were meant to go. Ezra would always hold a place in his heart, but somehow, miraculously, Sonny had nestled in right next to it, making a space all his own. 

It wasn’t always easy, nothing in life ever was. There were times when Rafael felt so overwhelmed with grief and guilt for moving on that he thought his chest would crack open, but those instances were growing fewer and farther between, and Sonny was always there on the other side of it, steady and understanding.

Olivia had given them a few months before she’d made them officially disclose their relationship, and balancing work with the personal was something they were still working on. But it was all worth it in the end. 

Unable to stand the chill any longer, Rafael laid the bouquet he’d brought at the base of the headstone then rested his hand for a moment atop the granite before making his way down the grassy hill to where the town car he’d hired waited for him. 

With the rain, traffic was a snarled mess and it was dark by the time he’d made it back from Brooklyn, but the warm glow of their apartment was welcoming as he dropped his umbrella into the holder by the door and slipped out of his raincoat. 

The smell of something comforting wafted from the kitchen and his chest felt full when he caught sight of Sonny in jeans and a worn baseball tee in the living room by their new bookshelf, hauling books out of a box. His chest squeezed even tighter when Sonny looked up at him, the joy on his face at the mere fact of Rafael coming in the door was almost more than he could take. 

“I made chicken pot pie. I thought you’d want something after being out in that.” Sonny gestured toward the window with the book he held in his hand. 

“Thanks,” Rafael said, but instead of heading for the kitchen, he wove his way around stacks of boxes to wrap his arms around Sonny’s waist, giving him a quick kiss. 

“What’s that for?” Sonny asked, doing his best to return the hug with books in both hands. 

“I just like coming home to you.” 

Sonny got that gooey grin on his face that he got whenever Rafael was even semi romantic, and Rafael would make fun of him for it if he didn’t love it so much. “I like being here for you to come home to.” 

After one more kiss, Rafael pulled away, surveying the work that Sonny had accomplished while he was away. 

“We have more overlap than I thought,” Sonny said, following his gaze, then gesturing to a pile of books on the coffee table. “I figure I’ll take all the doubles down to The Strand or something.”

Rafael glanced at the stack of books, surprised at some of the ones they both owned. But that’s the way it always was. He was constantly surprised at the way that Sonny fit into his life so seamlessly. 

He used to think that Sonny was there to get him through the darkest time of his life, a shoulder to lean on so he wouldn’t completely crumble under the weight of his grief, but over the last year he’d decided it was more than that. He was there to show Rafael that there was a life on the other side. That maybe a person could have two great loves in their lifetime. 

“If you’re not gonna eat, then you can help me finish this,” Sonny said playfully, pulling Rafael out of his thoughts. “I’ve been unpacking for  _ hours _ .” 

“Okay, okay, fine,” Rafael gave an over dramatic sigh, but couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth turning up as he pulled open a box, shaking off the past and stepping fully into the present. 


End file.
